Fri-YAY
The world's officially worst blogger has made it to another Friday! Yay for me!
I suddenly felt like writing. Maybe it's because I just finished watching this Netflix series that had left me feeling emotional somehow. I always try to convince myself that I have not changed since becoming a mom, but that is just a lie. At least in the sense that I start crying soooo easily as soon as I watch anything sad that has to do with kids or animal babies, it's ridiculous 🙉.
Anyways, I've cried my number of monthly lonely tears, haha! Lonely because I'm home alone today. No wait, now I am lying again - there's a little someone here, too (but she's no good company in the evening and usually passes out at 7pm). I have some alone time, let's put it that way. Sitting in our sofa, listening to some good music. There's also a ton of laundry parked on our dinner table and I could do so many other things, but right now I am just chillin', as the cool kids say (do they? I no longer know what's cool and what's not). Which I'm actually a little proud of. I have become a master of tolerance since Cleo was born (but honestly still working on standing the mess, e.g. trying to reduce those 3x vacuuming/day down to 1 - girl, if you read this: please eat the food, it would make your mama very happy thank you).
As I am writing this, I realize that this alone time has become something even more rare. I am a hustler by nature and have problems to be still, but it is much worse with a kiddo... If I needed to name one intention for the "new" year (the one that began six days ago, but never mind), it would be that exactly, to be still. To sit my own thoughts out and feel.
I have done too little of that in the past. As soon as things got difficult, I stopped feeling because I wanted to stay in control. I recently read a quote that I liked a lot:
Maybe we're all fire wrapped in skin trying to look cool.
That quote resonated a lot with me regarding my job situation. If I am a 100% honest, I have probably felt that this just wasn't for me quite a while before I knew it. I caught myself thinking again and again: "Should I really be doing this?!", and then telling myself "Yes, of course, stupid! You have a job anybody would kill for, the people are nice, what else do you need?". I had just recently re-negotiated my conditions, why was I not happy? Was I just some ungrateful idiot? I felt like as if I somehow owed people (don't ask me what people...) to do what I was doing, that I needed to fit in and that my ideas of doing something else were bullshit. As you can tell, I am a bit of a people pleaser in this sense.
Then this new opportunity came up in summer. I applied without thinking too much (but trusting my guts), and I got the job. Just after I had returned to work from maternity leave. Greatest timing of all times - said no one ever. Men are fucking lucky bastards to never ever be in such a situation (haha, it is sooo easy to find a feminist approach to any topic... but I am serious here!).
Anyways. I do not want people to hate me. So I took what felt like a short trip to hell and back and resigned. And guess what happened? Exactly nothing. Zero. Yes, at first, they were not very pleased of course, can't blame them. But then life went on and everyone continued to buy sea salt, liked Instagram-posts, had showers and rode their e-bikes.
Fast forward to January 2022. I now work with Swiss Gymnastics as their ethics and legal counsel. And I absolutely love it. Or no, I have fallen in love with it. Love grows over time (quote not by me). But it is like as if you realize that you have missed something so much without even knowing that it existed. That maybe sounds very cheesy, but it's the truth! To keep it real: I work more now than what I did before, but it's totally fine, because I'm having fun! I get to do stuff that feels useful. And I am so glad that I listened to what my heart was telling me and went for it. Well done me.
So my late-night take-away for you is:
No one will ever thank you for doing things you just do because you think you have to in order to please. Listen to yourself, feel.
And then, if it feels right, do the fuck what you wanna, people!
With that said, I'm off to bed. Talk to you soon. Like in 8 months or so 😂😘