Crossroads

I guess I'll just skip the usual introductory sentence "it's been a while" and get right to it. I've been a bit busy lately as I've been preparing the first part of my bar exams. And I should actually be studying now as the oral exams are approaching and I have no idea about tax law. But first of all I don't know whether I even get to do them (meaning whether I passed part one) and second of all... I'm just not that into tax law. So why not blogging.

The bar exam has taken a lot of time and focus this year. Other than that, some things have changed, others haven't. I moved in with my boyfriend. My sister and best friend moved to Norway. I'm now coaching the regional orienteering youth squad. I changed club and I'm running for my "old" club OK Tisaren again. Except I didn't run one race for them. Because from the sporty side, this year is one to just strike off the list. 3 orienteering races this year (of which two completed by power-walking), not one long-run in the mountains and after a while not even cycling or hiking. Never have I been less trained. In combination with hours spent just studying it has been a little tough sometimes. But luckily, I have a lot of support and people around who are very patient and try to help. And it could always be worse, right. Also, I've just started with shock-wave therapy so we'll see whether that helps... Instead, I've been working on my salsa-career and found another passion and a version of movement that both works for my knee and really makes me very very happy. As if I didn't have like seventy different hobbies already and absolutely needed another one.

What definitely changed was my idea of the future as a working person. When I was a little girl, I never thought that it was a disadvantage to be female. Except sometimes when the boys wouldn't let me play soccer with them. Side note: They let me join if it was hockey, the consistency in kids' behavior remains a mystery to me... I've always had the impression that, if you just played by the exact same rules men did, you'd be ending up in the same place. That I had all possibilities in the world, no matter if I was a boy or a girl. Because that's what everyone is telling you. Another side note: That one big reason for this is based on the fact that I have the privilege to be born in a developed European country, that I am white and hetero, was of course never under consideration. However: WRONG.

I've been studying with these three other girls. Three smart, ambitious girls with strong opinions and big dreams that I appreciate a lot and that I admire. As we'll soon be done with our studies, all of us have started looking into jobs. We've been thinking more about our careers and how to plan them. We've talked to other girls about it. And we realized: It's a fucking mess, and I am pretty shocked about how no one ever talks about it.

At high school I did some research on gender-equality in sports and I read a lot about the drop-out phenomenon as for girls in sports. And I realize now, that it's the exact same thing with job careers. And I can relate. I am ready to work hard in order to get somewhere, because I want to be successful. But I probably also do want to have a family (well, of course you never know if it's even possible), preferably not only at the age of 40. So do a lot of men. So far, so good. But now here's the thing.

How often do men think about the dilemma of having a family and pursuit their career at the same time before even having kids? Until now, I've never had these thoughts. But lately, as things got more specific, I realized that it's almost impossible not to think about it if you're a woman. Apply for a job in the private sector, where creativity and innovation happen, where part-time jobs are harder to find? Go for a job in the administration that gives good money, where it's "safe" to be a woman, but where possibilities for further development might be more restricted? Of course there's not just black and white, but there are clear tendencies. Especially if your education (lawyers, doctors,...) takes a long time, these questions become relevant. You seem to run out of time, because as experience has shown, women should force their careers and establish themselves before having kids. Otherwise it's going to be a bumpy ride.

And then again, I ask myself: Why the hell do I even have to think about this? I have invested so many years in my studies. What for, you ask yourself, if society tells you there's just the "either or" anyway?

It's just not fair. Women should not be the only ones forced to choose.
So, what to do about it? Of course, we should talk about paternity leave for fathers, payment equality and stuff. But first of all, girls, we should be brave ourselves and we should not just choose the easy road, even if it can appear tempting. We should break patterns by doing the opposite of what society expects us to. We should be role models for next generations. We should take risks and not give in. Show them that we can. And: We should work together.

At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. As for the last thing, I'd love to hear what other girls/women have experienced, how they cope. We should definitely share our know-how more.

Now I'll go finish my apple pie and clean the windows.